Is love enough? The other things our relationships need

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Love is sold as the answer to everything and how many times do you hear “love conquers all”. Love, at first sight, is such a popular dream for us, where we meet someone and just know that “this is it”! People often find themselves ‘following their heart’ by getting seriously involved in a relationship really quickly and then they find there is very little in common and there is nothing to base a relationship on once the chemistry has faded away.

Our culture, the media, and our fantasies are around love being able to make everything alright for us. I believe that love, in some form, is essential for all our relationships, both intimate and friendships. But the brain needs to play a big part in any relationship, by questioning whether or not without the current buzz we are getting, will this relationship have any common ground, or would I like them as my friend?

I often hear people excuse or minimize the behavior of others with the phrases “but I love her” or “I can’t say anything in case he may think I don’t love him anymore”. Once we feel that exciting love feeling and start a relationship, we need to know that love is not enough. Relationships need so much more than the initial feeling of love and lust or infatuation.

We need to have respect for each other as if this is not there from the beginning our relationships become one-sided. One uses manipulation and gaslighting to get their needs met while the other partner becomes a victim. We can feel intense infatuation, but without respect it’s abusive.

We need trust and honesty in any relationship, as without trust a partner suspicions get out of proportion and one partner will be trapped by the other’s fears. We become isolated by our partner’s inability to trust us and fearful of doing anything to arouse their suspicions.

Love without communication becomes guesswork, and without telling our partners what we want we leave them to assume. We are then either assuming we know what they want, or they know what we want. We all end up disappointed and angry.

When we take each other for granted, love fades. Love needs an appreciation of the other partner, not just sexually but an all-round appreciation of the person they are. Without it, we feel used, unwanted and unseen, and from this, we become resentful and start to find petty reasons why our partner is upsetting us .

Love without toleration of each other’s faults does not work, as no one is perfect. If we cannot tolerate the faults of our partners and the fact that from time to time, they will disappoint us, we will constantly be looking for faults and thus slowly destroy our relationship.

Love cannot cure or resolve our issues from the past, whether from childhood or past relationships and we all carry baggage. Although it’s great to share these, we must not expect our partners to be able to resolve these for us. It is our responsibility to find a way to deal with these, otherwise, our partner becomes our carer or counsellor and that changes our relationship to a level of dependency that alters how our relationship works.

Finally, we need to accept that love will change, and we will age. As we age, we have face up to death and endings., We have to be realistic about life and relationships and this can be difficult. If we don’t do this, our relationships are not based in the here and now, nor do they have any planning for the future.

There are a few things you can think about to help you with relationships.

Communicate without blame, by using “I” statements, “when you do/say, I feel and that means”. Express your feelings about a situation without blaming the situation on the other person. We then do not make them feel attacked so there is less need to be defensive.

Spend time together and make it a non-negotiable part of the week. Make time when we can be with our partner undisturbed, just being together, a walk a drink, etc so we can reconnect.

We need to show our appreciation of each other, and this can be achieved by keeping a gratitude diary so we can share what we really love about our partner.  We need to know what we do is noticed and valued.

We need to find out what makes our partners feel loved., Is it spending time together, compliments, physical affection etc? If we can show our love the way they need it to be shown they will feel it, of course, we need to tell them how we want to feel loved too.

The reality is love is not enough, on its own, and it needs so much more to have a healthy positive relationship

Picture - Ide